I'll Be Better.

I know this is only my second post, but it is going to be serious. I'm sorry in advance.

I have a lot of emotions built up, and they're not good. When I was 9, my dad robbed a pharmacy at gunpoint. From there, it was kind of all downhill. I've spent about 7 of my 17 years living with people other than my parents after June 28, 2008. I've been molested. I've tried to commit suicide. I've had a gun held to my head. I've had 2 miscarriages. I've been in 4 different facilities. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My past affects my every day life. Let me just say, I know there are people who have it worse than me, but worse is a qualifier when you consider that we all handle experiences differently. I've been hurt and I've been wronged. But - I'll be better.

I'll be better in that my children will never have to go through what I went through. My kids will never have to watch my husband break my back by stomping on my spine for 10 minutes. My kids will never have to watch their older siblings get hit with large objects when their father gets mad because the new baby is crying. My kids will never have to cower in fear because, "shh, dad just got home." My kids will never have to fight off dad in his drug fueled rage because he's about to go in the baby's room because she won't stop crying. They just won't.

I'll be better in that my daughter won't long for school field trips I can't pay for because the money went towards buying pills. I'm not going to shoo my daughter away from the living room because she's gonna see something she doesn't need to once everyone gets to the house. My daughter will never walk into her room after cheerleading to see her sister sitting in the closet and freaking out from a meth-fueled paranoia. My daughter won't wake up in the middle of the night to a drunken man she doesn't know fondling her undeveloped body. SHE JUST WON'T.

I'll be better in that my son won't see a little girl he barely knows get hit by their foster mom. My son won't have to hide his legs because his foster mom won't whip him with a switch until he bleeds because he won't have a foster mom because I will be better. My son won't meet me in a restaurant on his tenth birthday for his 3 person party. My son won't go home that night and curse God and ask what he did to deserve this. My son WILL NOT cry himself to sleep for 7 years because of me.

My children won't have scars all over their bodies because they WILL NOT feel the need to slice their skin to feel something other than nothingness. My children won't look for love and comfort at the bottom of a bottle or the end of a pipe or in the arms of whoever will look their way. My children won't write how they'll be better, because I'LL be better.

Finally, I'd like to say that I love my mother and I love my father, but they have not been the best parents. They don't need to be. Because now I know how to be better. I won't hurt my kids like I've been hurt. I'll be better.